Did I ever tell you about that one time I got kidnapped?
Normally, on this blog, I write about advice and tips to help you “Throw Sexy” on your life. In other words, I give you information that can help you better create life on your terms, but today, I’m gonna tell you about the one time I got kidnapped.
Is there a “Sexy” lesson to glean from this story?
But it's fun, and I feel like sharing it.
Was I like, kidnapped-kidnapped? Not exactly.
Was I scared? Kinda.
Here’s what happened.
Cesar and Sonny are brothers.
In the late 90s, Cesar and I attended Georgia Southern University (GSU), in Statesboro, Georgia. That’s where we met, became friends, and spent several nights a week out clubbing with the rest of our dance crew, “The Statesboro Rhythm Machine.”
In the summer of 1999, Cesar’s younger brother, Sonny, came to visit from Texas.
And, as it goes in the world of friends, if he’s your brother, then he’s automatically cool with me.
That summer, Sonny became friends with all of the GSU Dancers, and became part of the Statesboro Rhythm Machine.
Fast Forward To 2005...
Sonny now lives in Amarillo, TX. He’s a DJ/Manager at the biggest nightclub in the city, and he’s getting married. An invitation goes out to the Statesboro Rhythm Machine, and a half dozen of us head from Georgia over to Texas to participate in the wedding.
The wedding wasn’t until Saturday, but everyone arrived on a Thursday.
The plan was as follows:
Thursday: Hang out at the club where Sonny DJs/manages and show these Texas people how to dance.
Friday: Bachelor party!
Sunday: Head back to Georgia
We got to the club a little before 10PM on Thursday night. By 1 o’clock, we were all scattered throughout the club and having a great time.
I’d happened upon a rather attractive brunette who was wearing a low-cut, tight yellow shirt. I have no clue what her name was, so for the purposes of this story, we’ll just call her Yellow.
Yellow had a blonde haired friend who was wearing a pink shirt. And, because I have even less of an idea what this girl’s name was, we’ll just call her Pink.
So, I was dancing with Yellow and things were going well. Pink, who was quite drunk, was dancing with some dude, equally drunk, who she clearly had no interest in. But hey, he was keeping her occupied so that I could dance with Yellow, so dude was cool with me (high-5, drunk guy!).
At 1:55AM, we heard the announcement: “The club is closing in five minutes. Please pay your tabs and head to the door.”
Holding Yellow’s hand, Pink not too far behind us, I went to find the rest of my friends.
“What’s the plan guys?” I asked.
“I’m hungry,” Cesar responded. “let’s go get something to eat.”
All of our friends were cool with this idea. I turned to Yellow and gave her a “does that sound good” look. She nodded her head yes.
Sonny chimed in. “Okay guys, tell you what. I’ve got some manager stuff I have to do here and it’s going to be about 30 minute before I can leave. So just head to the cars and wait for me there, then we’ll all head to Denny’s.”
“Sounds good,” said Cesar.
I turned to Yellow and Pink, “Where are you guys parked?”
“In the front parking lot,” Yellow responded, still holding my hand.
All of my friends had parked in the back parking lot.
I turned to Cesar, “Hey bro, these girls I just met are parked in the front. They’re gonna come with us to Denny’s. I’m gonna head to the front parking lot and hang out with them. Just call my cell when Sonny comes out, and we’ll drive around back, meet you guys, and head to Denny's.”
“Alright bro,” Cesar responded. “Sounds good.
Seems Simple Enough, Right...
We got into Yellow's car, a silver Nissan Nissan SUV.
Yellow, who was about a 4 on a drunk scale of 1-10 (10 being super drunk), got into the driver’s side; Pink, who was about a 7 on the drunk scale, got into the passenger side; and I, the only fully sober one of the 3 of us, hopped in the back seat.
Yellow started the car, kept it in park, and turned on the radio.
Because we had about 30 minutes to kill before Sonny wrapped up and we all headed to Denny’s, I decided to engage in some small talk. Pink cut me off before I had even said three words, though.
“Yellow, I want shrimp!” Pink said.
“Shrimp sounds good,” Yellow agreed.
“I think it does too. Good thing we’re all going to Denny’s,” I said.
“I. WANT. SHRIMP.” Pink said again, this time more emphatically.
“Umm, yeah," I chimed in, "we’re going to Denny’s in just a little bit. They’ve got shrimp there.” I had no idea what the f**k she was talking about.
“YELLOW! YOUR MOM MADE SHRIMP, LET’S GET SOME OF YOUR MOM’S SHRIMP!” Pink yells, completely ignoring me.
“No! There’s shrimp at Denny's. We'll have shrimp there!” I explain.
“Oh, you’re right! My mom did make shrimp! That’s a good idea!” Yellow says to Pink, completely ignoring me.
Before I could react, Yellow threw the car into drive and hit the gas.
“STOP! Where are you going?" I pleaded. "My friends are on the other side of the club. Take me there. You’re not taking me to your house!!”.
“WE'RE GOING TO GET SHRIMP!” Pink yelled, finally acknowledging me.
“Look, Yellow, just stop the car and pull over. Let me out and I’ll just walk across to the other parking lot and find my friends.”
Yellow Didn't Stop...
Don’t get it twisted, drinking and driving is bad. But at that exact moment, I was more concerned with getting kidnapped.
We left the parking lot going about 30 miles per hour, and headed down a one way street. I pulled out my cell phone to call Cesar. “DUDE! I’M GETTING KIDNAPPED! THOSE GIRLS I WAS WITH ARE KIDNAPPING ME!”
“What?” Cesar said, shocked.
“I’M SERIOUS! I’M IN A SILVER NISSAN X-TERRA AND--ARRRRGGHHHHH!! YOU’RE GOING THE WRONG WAY!”
Yellow had headed down the wrong way on that one-way street and another car was headed towards us.
She swerved to miss him, and then took the next turn and hopped on the highway.
“Okay, look dude," I continued to Cesar, "I’m on the highway, I have no clue where we’re going. I’m gonna have them pull off at the next exit, and stop at a gas station. I’ll call you and you can come pick me up once I know where I am.”
But we didn’t get off at the next exit. Or the next one…
Or the one after that…
About six minutes later we hit exit number 254. I saw a large, well lit, gas station right off the exit.
“Just drop me off at the gas station,” I told the girls.
I called Cesar again. “Hey Bro, we’re getting off exit 254. I see a gas station called - “Hey, what are you doing!! I said to drop me off at this gas station!!” But Yellow wasn’t listening to me, and Pink was blathering on incoherently about something.
I told Cesar I’d call him back.
“I’m not going to your house.” I said to Yellow. “Just drop me off.”
She ignored me again. One minute after we passed the gas station we were lost in a maze of houses that all looked the same. It was like the neighborhood appeared out nowhere and we were consumed by a labyrinth of roads that made no sense to anyone who didn’t live there.
Remember, this was 2005. We didn’t have GPS on our phones and I couldn’t call an Uber to come get me.
As we pulled up to Yellow’s house and began to get out of the car, I stopped the girls, looked them both dead in the eyes, and pleaded with them.
“Look. You may not understand this, but this is dangerous for me. I’m a black guy. You’re two white women. Me walking into this house at two in the morning with the both of you is NOT a good idea for me. Just take me back to the gas station, or, if we go in this house, whatever you do, do NOT wake up your mom.”
We made our way into the house through the garage door.
Before all three of us were fully in the house, Pink yelled out for her friend’s mom. “MOM, WE’RE HOME!”
My Heart Froze...
Not 10 seconds later, Yellow’s mom came out of her room into the kitchen. Her eyes darted to me and stopped.
Yellow went to give her mom a hug. “Hey mom, this is Devon. He goes by ‘D.’ We went to college together and I ran into him at the club.”
I had to give it to her, the lie was brilliant.
“Oh, OK,” Mom said. “Hi, D.”
“Hello, ma’am,” I responded.
“Mom, we want some shrimp!” Pink said impatiently.
“Shrimp? What shrimp?” Yellow’s mom asked.
“The shrimp you made the other day!”
“Oh that shrimp, that shrimp is gone,” her mom said.
My eyes got big.
YOU MEAN TO TELL ME THESE TWO GIRLS KIDNAPPED ME FOR SHRIMP, AND THERE’S NO F**KING SHRIMP?! WHAT THE F**K!
Mind you, I didn't say that out loud. But it's definitely what I was thinking.
“Mom we were really in the mood for shrimp. What do we have to eat?” Yellow asked.
Her mom took a look in the fridge. “We have pancakes, meat-cubes, and vegetables.”
WHAT?! WHAT THE F**K KIND FOOD COMBINATION IS THAT?! PANCAKES, MEAT CUBES AND VEGETABLES? I managed not to say this out loud either.
“OK,” Pink chimed in. “We’ll have all three!”
Yellow’s mom asked me if I wanted anything and I politely declined.
I turned to Yellow. “I’m gonna step outside and make a quick phone call.”
I checked my battery. The way I figured, I’d only have about 20-30 minutes before my phone died, so I’d better keep my call short in case I needed my phone again later.
I Called Cesar...
“Hey Bro, are you guys at Denny’s?”
“Nah man, some drama happened and we all just came back to the house. Where are you?” Cesar asked.
“I have no clue. Those two girls I was with kidnapped me. I was trying to map out where they were taking me so that I could tell you where to come pick me up, but I’m completely lost.”
“Where are you now?”
“I’m at the house of the girl who was wearing the yellow shirt. We’re eating pancakes, meat cubes and vegetables,” I tell him...
I hear Sonny’s voice yelling in the background, “CESAR, IS THAT D?”
“Yeah" Cesar replies to his brother, "it’s him,” .
“WHERE THE F**K IS HE?” Sonny asks loudly.
Cesar explains. “He’s with those two girls he was with at the end of the night. He says they kidnapped him, and now he’s at their house eating pancakes, meat cubes, and vegetables,”
“WHAT?! PANCAKES, MEAT CUBES, AND VEGETABLES? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SUPPOSE TO MEAN, IS THAT CODE FOR SOMETHING??” Sonny yells.
I tried to speak loudly enough that Sonny could hear me through Cesar’s phone, while also trying to not be too loud because it’s two in the morning and I'm in a strange neighborhood. “NO! IT’S NOT CODE FOR ANYTHING, SONNY! WE’RE REALLY EATING –”
But Sonny couldn’t hear me.
He continued talking to his brother. “YOU KNOW D, HE’S PROBABLY JUST BRAGGING ABOUT THE FACT THAT HE’S WITH TWO GIRLS, JUST HANG UP THE PHONE ON HIM.”
I pleaded to my friends. “I’m not bragging!! It’s what really happened! Don’t hang up–”
Cesar hung up the phone.
“Son of a bitch,” I whispered under my breath.
The next hour or so was pretty uneventful.
Yellow, Pink, Yellow’s Mom, and I sat there and chatted while Pink and Yellow, mostly Pink, munched on pancakes, meat cubes, and vegetables.
At about 3:30 AM, Pink went to Yellow’s room to grab something, but never came back. As it turns out, she ended up passing out drunk on the bed.
Shortly after that, Yellow’s Mom decided it was time for bed as well.
Yes! Finally! I thought to myself, excited about the prospect of getting to be alone with Yellow.
I mean, the whole kidnapping, shrimp, meat cubes thing aside, Yellow was really hot. And, as any guy would probably think to himself, getting kidnapped is totally worth it if it means hooking up with a really hot girl. I began to think about what to say or do to change the vibe.
She was sitting on the counter, so I made my way towards her, positioned her dangling-off-the-countertop legs around my waist, and interlocked fingers with her.
“Can I ask you a question?” She says
“Sure,” I said, “what would you like to know?”
Her Next Words Came Completely Out Of Left Field...
"What do you think about Jesus? Yellow asked..
WAIT WHAT?! I thought to myself. Did I hear that correctly? Did she really just ask me what I thought about Jesus? I assumed I heard her correctly and proceeded to answer.
“Umm…I think he’s great,” I answered, still unsure that I’d heard the question right.
“Well, you want to know what I think?” she said.
“Sure,” I responded, not sure I really wanted to know.
“I THINK F**KING JESUS IS THE F**KING BOMB, AND IF YOU DON’T LOVE JESUS, THEN F**K YOU, AND…”
She continued for another 45 seconds or so on an expletive-filled tirade about Jesus being great. I just stood there, like a deer in headlights. Not sure if I was really hearing what I was hearing.
The only thought I could hold in my head was, I don’t think Jesus would appreciate her cussing so much, but I didn’t think she needed to know that at that moment.
When she was finally out of breath, she looked me right in the eye and asked emphatically “SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?”
I didn’t have an answer. I didn’t know what to think.
Telling her that Jesus probably didn’t cuss so much wouldn’t have been a good reply. So, I responded the way any guy would when a really attractive woman is saying crazy shit while sitting on a countertop with her legs wrapped around his waist...
I kissed her.
And wouldn’t you know it, she kissed me back.
WOO HOO!! I Thought To Myself. Finally!
Awkward as the events were leading up to it, I'd finally gotten to kiss her.
We made out for the next 10 minutes or so. When we finally took a kissing break, she looked at her watch and said “OH MY GOD! IT’S ALMOST 4 IN THE MORNING! I have to get you home!”
By this time she had sobered up quite a bit, and was only a 1 or 2 on the drunk scale. So I felt comfortable having her drive me home.
I called Cesar to get Sonny’s address.
Since this was well before the days of being able to plug addresses into your smartphone, Cesar had to wake up Sonny so that he could explain to Yellow where she was taking me.
As Yellow went into her room to grab her keys, which Pink had grabbed for some reason, she accidentally knocked something over. The loud bang woke up her mom, who proceeded to try to convince her daughter that she was too drunk to drive me home, and that she should be the one to do it.
After a few minutes of back and forth, and with me putting my thumb on the scale in favor of Yellow being sober enough to drive, her mom yielded and decided to go back to bed.
About 30 minutes later, Yellow and I pulled into Sonny’s driveway. It was at that point that I realized that I’d never gotten her phone number.
Like we’ve already established, I didn’t care that she’d kidnapped me or that she did some crazy cussing when it came to Jesus. She was hot... I was only in town for a couple more days... and I was gonna ask Sonny if I could bring her as my date to the wedding.
I had her call my cell phone from hers, so that I’d receive her number. When I saw her number pop up on my phone I shot her to voicemail. I then kissed her goodbye for another minute or two before heading into the house.
It was late.
Cesar and Sonny were the only two awake in a house that contained the Bride, the Groom, and about five or six members of the Statesboro Rhythm Machine. The only reason those two were up was because they’d been waiting on me to get home. I could tell some drama had gone down and that no one was really in the mood to talk about it. So, I plugged my phone into the charger , grabbed a blanket, and fell asleep on the living room floor.
I Was Out Cold Until I Woke Up At Around 11 The Next Morning...
After morning pleasantries and gameplaning our day, the entire crew hopped in the car to go find somewhere to eat for a late breakfast. As I proceeded to tell everyone the adventure I’d been on. I ended the story by telling everyone that I was going to invite her to the wedding.
As I pulled out my phone to show everyone her phone number, I noticed her phone number had disappeared.
“What the f**k?!” I exclaimed in disbelief! “Where is her phone number”
I scrolled through my phone frantically. “I swear to God it was the most recent number in my phone!!”
“Uh oh,” Cesar said “D, I think I know what happened…”
As it turned out, Cesar and I had the same phone.
When he woke up in the morning (several hours before me), he noticed that his phone had not charged properly overnight. So he took the battery out of my phone, and stuck it in his phone so that he could make some phone calls.
Back then, removing the battery from a phone cleared the phone’s history. Which meant that when Cesar borrowed my phone battery, he removed Yellow’s number forever.
I spent the next 2 days hoping she’d call. But she never did.
That was all the way back in 2005…
Did I think she was my soul mate?
Nope, but she was hot, so I’m still mad at Cesar.